"I would describe what I’m doing now as shaping the book — that is to say I’m turning baseball inside out, immersing myself in it, trying to look at the game in what I hope are novel ways. And for that, I’m putting together countless lists. I have lists everywhere, in about a dozen different notes apps, on a bunch of different pieces of scrap paper, on voice memos.
One of the lists I’ve been updating is called “What makes baseball different?” The inspiration was George Carlin’s brilliant and essential “Baseball and Football” routine, (posted below) which I memorized years ago and can still do, in its entirety, on command. There are so many insights in that routine that still boggle the mind, but the one that I think of most is this one:
“In football, basketball, soccer, volleyball and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball. In baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.”
What a mind he had. This is, of course, exactly right. No end zones, no goals, no baskets, no holes, no nets or lines. In baseball, you have to beat the ball home.
Anyway, I started this “What makes baseball different?” list … I have absolutely no idea what role, if any, it will play in the book (which is, after all, built around a countdown of the greatest moments in baseball history). But I was looking at it the other day and thought: Hey, people might like to see this. In fact, they might even like to contribute to it.
So here’s the list as it currently stands — what makes baseball different.*
*Note, some of these are true in other sports — for instance, in soccer the coach is called the manager, too. But I’m trying not to be too technical here; this list is not what makes baseball UNIQUE but what makes baseball DIFFERENT.
— Baseball, of course, does not have a clock but instead measures time by outs.
— In baseball, every play is started by the defense, not the offense, and defensive players are the only ones allowed to touch the ball.
— In baseball, the locker room is called the clubhouse.
— In baseball, the coach is called the manager.
The baseball uniform is the only one I know of that is not in any way designed for the sport. Like, football and hockey uniforms are designed to include pads to cushion the violence. In basketball and soccer (and tennis) they wear shorts, for comfort. But what’s the actual point of a baseball uniform?
— In baseball, they wear a cap. Is there another sport where the players just wear stylish headwear?
— Baseball seems to me the only sport they stop to let people warm up.
— Baseball seems to me the only sport where the manager/coach is regularly allowed on the field of play.
— Baseball seems to me the only sport where they make a major production out of taking someone out of the game. The closest, I’d say, is soccer, where they hold up the number of the player coming out of the game, and then everyone stops to cheer or boo as they come off the field. But even this does not match a manager coming out to the mound and taking the baseball away from the pitcher.
— In baseball, fans bring gloves to the ballgame. In football, fans do not bring shoulder pads to the game.
— I’ve been thinking a lot about this one — baseball seems to me the one sport that appeals to all five senses. When you hear people talk about baseball, you will routinely hear them talk about sound (crack of the bat!), smell (nothing like those ballpark smells!), taste (“A hot dog at the ballpark is better than a steak at the Ritz,” Humphrey Bogart said), sight (of course, but baseball is a particularly beautiful game) and touch (foul ball coming your way!). I can’t think of another game that gets all five.
— Baseball, I believe, is the one game you play in a park.
— Baseball, I believe, is the only game with a specific advantage in the rulebook for the home team … the home team bats last.
— This is opinion more than fact, but I feel pretty sure that baseball is the only game where a sizable number of fans believe the game is better on the radio than on television — better HEARD than WATCHED.
— In baseball, you can have an unlimited number of fouls without penalty.
— Baseball is the only sport that offers the fans a special moment to stretch.
— You cannot kneel on the ball, run out the clock or ice the puck in baseball. To win, you have to get the final out.
In closing, enjoy the genius that was George Carlin in his classic, "Baseball and Football".
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform, you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
