It's no surprise to anyone who has known me for any length of time that I'm moody. Mood's come and go as often as I change clothes or television channels and without warning or reasons. When I told my parents that I was getting married my Dad's immediate response was, "Does she know how moody you are?" We've been married now over seven years but he was right to be worried about that part of my character.I liked to use the excuse that as an artist I my personality was dominated by my emotions, this was just part of the "artist package personality." I've come to realize that even though my capacity for mood swings are still present they don't have to dominate my responses. Like everything else in my life, I have a choice to submit to a greater authority. Which sort of leads me to what I've been thinking about today.
Psychology was a college course that promised high returns (easy grade) and I hoped a low investment in time. I didn't count on my fascination with the theories and facts around how we process our thoughts and emotions. How those same thought processes culminate into our life choices. I later came to believe, however, that too much reliance upon my own thoughts and ideas results in a dry and empty soul. I'm not saying that our life shouldn't be reviewed and even scrutinized for a clearer perspective. I'm also definitely not implying that people that have been wounded during the course of their life shouldn't seek answers through counseling. I'm referring to the idea that exploring the mystery of "me" will result in "me" being a better person. That would mean that "my" heart is truly good and learning more about "me" will result in "me" becoming more like the enlightened, caring person I was born to be. Not true.
I love my daughter beyond words and I think she is the most wonderful treasure God has ever given me but she was not born with a pure heart. She was born with a heart that is very much like mine. And yours. A heart that demands it's own way, cares mostly about itself, and without a supernatural change will always retain that view. I'm not saying that only Christians can be good or moral, or that people don't have the capacity to be unselfish or kind. However, the reverse is also true and all men possess a heart that consists of darkness that cannot be plumbed without turning away in horror. My point being that purity of heart is not and has never been the standard human condition. Looking around the planet, or just reading the news will confirm this fact rather quickly. Being unselfish, forgiving, kind, are all wonderful traits but the true test of humanity's wisdom comes with a willingness to acknowledge a higher power as Creator and willful submission to this Creator. This is the only true compass man can base his life upon.
This true compass has been around forever. No kidding - forever. It was not difficult to find but impossible to fully understand. It came with mixed reviews depending on who I talked to but after doing all my research I finally took the plunge. It was free but cost more than I could imagine. It will last forever but requires daily maintenance. The benefits are beyond description and the direction it points me in is always perfect. Yet the struggle to stay on course is the hardest path I can imagine. Depression, doubts and all of the other challenges I struggle with still exist but now there also exists a purpose for each of these events and trials. The promise was never to erase my suffering but that He would share the suffering with me.
This advice for how to live one's life is not anything new. Jesus taught over 2000 years ago that to live the greatest life we could imagine for ourselves we have to give our mind, heart, and soul over in submission to Him. He said that death to ourselves is the only way to truly live. But even while I'm typing those words my mind will reject them with all the human logic it can muster. "Giving away something does not result in accumulation," it insists, "Keep, horde, play it close to the vest, that is the way to ensure a successful life! Use your time on you! Let the other guy worry about the other guy. You've got to worry about you, who else is going to care with how you're doing? Plumb the depths of your own intellect, explore humanity's knowledge and experience. The answer lies within."
Jesus spoke a great deal about this struggle between our hearts and the Creator who keeps gently guiding us back to His heart. This struggle will not end until we leave this earth. The alternative to this struggle is far worse. To trade this life of conflict will be to truly surrender to a life of chaos and strife. A life given over to the choices and decisions that I make using my own reason and logic seems like a life of freedom. It is in reality a life already in chains because of my lack of understanding and knowledge. Since I lack the capacity to understand it all, how can my decisions reflect anything but this flawed reasoning. This life is truly the stage where our eternal destinations are determined. This conflict has great powers fighting terrifying battles on both sides and the stakes are higher than we can imagine. Not that the outcome of the universal struggle is in doubt. It is not. But our individual struggles rage on with the capacity of freedom or failure each and every day. The Bible says that the beginning of wisdom is a fear of the Lord. Not a fear like one would fear an abusive partner in a relationship but a fear of letting this person down. God doesn't demand that we grovel in His presence He gives us a choice to even determine if we want to spend eternity with Him or without Him. He who could control everything gives His creation the choice for their own destination. Does this seem like a God of pain or abuse or does this smack of a God who loves us so much He will even let us go our own way. We choose. To not choose is to already have chosen. New day. Which way will I go today . .
